Drinking Tea

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2012-01-29T23:02:00.000+01:00

If you are a new visitor looking for help on anything other than your finance homework, Jarko Ahola's marital status*, what to wear to a metal concert, tea, or hating Manowar, go look at the tags on the right. If you are looking to the answers to those, click on the Commonly Asked Questions under the description at the top of the page.

Over the next few days/months/eons, I am going to attempt to flesh out the pages on this thing, since I've been writing crap here for a really long time and it's probably impossible to find much of anything.

*Seriously, that many people are concerned about who or what that man is boinking? Could someone please email me or leave a comment here telling me why?

Bathtub Nap - 1992

2012-01-27T05:22:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time, I was in a hotel room in Memphis on the way to Texas. I was unable to sleep in the room designated for sleeping, so I made a nest in the bathtub and slept there. Something about noise, if I recall correctly. I am pretty sure I was somewhere buried in the lump on the left. Thus began a lifetime where sleeping in a bathtub happens every few years.

1992 - Memphis
1999 - Cincinatti
1999 - Oldenburg (?)
2004 - Dallas
2011 - San Antonio

Flaming Death on a Plate

2012-01-26T05:25:00.000+01:00

Flaming Hot Death Kofta Type Things

This picture is what remains of an order of vegetable manchurian, which seems to be the veggie/cheese balls that are also used in malai kofta with a coating of flaming hot death.

Normally, when you go to any American type restaurant, the vegetarian options are iceberg lettuce, bland noodles, or a baked potato with the bacon bits scraped off. This is major part of why I like ethnic restaurants when I go out to eat. There is always an option that doesn't suck and/or is not a modified version of something else where the cook is convinced of the following:

Bacon is a natural part of an aubergine or potato;
It is potentially fatal to eat either of those items without said bacon; and
He feels that he is saving your life by leaving the bacon in.

If you go to an Indian restaurant, there is often as many as a page of items that do not contain meat. However, this does not come without risk. I've found that the meat dishes range in heat on this scale:

Mild - not hot spices
Medium - it has some kick
Spicy - only hot food fans would enjoy
Extra spicy - can kill you if you aren't used to it.

Vegetarian dishes run on a different scale:

Mild - if you like hot food (think vindaloo), you'll like this
Medium - your face will go numb and your ears will burn. If you dare your meat eating tablemates to take a bite of this, they will spend the next ten minutes crying. This will give you ample time to steal their naan.
Spicy - You're probably going to die
Extra spicy - Your plate dissolves into sand before it gets to your table.

Creepy

2012-01-25T05:23:00.000+01:00

Here is a picture of the art museum at night from across the river.

Under Construction

2012-01-24T05:22:00.000+01:00

They are doing a major construction project and kept the shell of this building. Once they are finished, it is supposed to look completely different and be named after a major corporation. I know whoever pays the piper gets to call the tune, but most of me feels that naming things after corporations causes distancing. Or maybe I'm turning into an old fart.

Ganging Up Cats

2012-01-23T05:24:00.000+01:00

I still have teh dumb, so I'll be posting some pictures over the next few days. I am not sure why the two cats were trying to move the third cat, but it was a funny thing to wake up to on the weekend.

Kindle Cat

2012-01-22T04:55:00.000+01:00

Cats

2012-01-20T04:52:00.000+01:00

Five cats.

2012-01-19T04:40:00.000+01:00

Tomato basil loaf

Intended ingredients: tablespoon olive oil, small onion, chopped, 3 plum tomatoes (peeled, seeded, and chopped), 4 and a half cups flour, half a teaspoon ground black pepper, one and a half teaspoons salt, 2 teaspoons sugar, teaspoon rapid rise yeast, table spoon chopped fresh basil.

Actual ingredients: tablespoon plus a bloop olive oil, two small shallots, chopped, 2/3 cup grape tomatoes cut in half because I do not have the patience to peel or seed anything unless failing to do so will kill me dead, 3 and a half cups regular flour, one cup whole wheat flour left over from the stuff I made last week, half a teaspoon or less ground black pepper, one and a half teaspoons salt, 2 teaspoons sugar, teaspoon rapid rise yeast, table spoon chopped fresh basil.

Cook shallot and tomato in olive oil until they get mushy (about the duration of a Minor Threat song). Smoosh and add liquid to a measuring cup, keeping the solid mushy stuff in the pan. Add enough water to get a cup and a quarter. Pour liquid in bread machine because you are a lazy slob and don't feel like kneading the dough yourself because you'd rather sit in one place and go over Finnish pronouns while listening to whatever crap you have on your iPod. Sprinkle flour over the liquid in the bread machine. Put the salt in one corner and the sugar diagonal in the furthest corner from the salt so they don't fight and cause your bread machine to blow up like that time I tried to bake a cake in my old apartment. Throw the pepper in another corner. Make a dip in the middle of the flour pile and add the yeast. Set machine cycle to dough. Walk away. If you don't have a bread machine, you should probably use normal yeast and adjust stuff accordingly. And don't walk away until you have finished kneading and stuffing it in a bowl and covering in a towel in the hopes that your housepets, roommates, or the giant mosquito flying around your head don't try to eat it.

When the dough cycle is almost complete, grease a loaf pan with whatever you have handy.

When dough cycle is complete, punch down dough and add stuff from pan. Try as you might, it's not going to integrate with the dough because you probably have too much olive oil in the tomato/shallot mix after it blurped. Vow to be more careful next time. Give up kneading. Toss the entire mess into a loaf pan and shape it into a loaf as much as you can. Get frustrated and kind of pull and stuff it so it sort of looks like a loaf. Cover and let rise. Once it's risen enough, toss in a 400 degree oven for about 40 or more minutes. Feel free to add an egg white glaze, but if you messed up with the olive oil, it should be plenty greasy enough and will get a lovely crust.

When it's finished, remove from oven and apply a liberal amount of burn spray to your left forearm. Unless you are smarter than me and don't end up wearing what you are cooking, wash flour from your face so your neighbor does not think you are a coke head when you take your trash out in a few hours.

Traveling Tastebuds III

2012-01-18T21:25:00.000+01:00

Moroccan Bites

Sibling 1: I hope there is nothing spicy in here. Remember that time Sibling 3 tried to kill me with the spaghetti sauce?
Sibling 3: It was mild! Your Mrs. Dash has more of a kick than that did!
Sibling 1: My lips were on fire.
Sibling 2: I hate curry.
Sibling 3: There is no curry in here.
Sibling 1: What is that?
Sibling 3: It's a funny hat. Try it on.
Sibling 1: Is it some kind of BDSM thing?
Sibling 2: This bread tastes flat.
Sibling 1: These things look kind of perverted.
Sibling 3: The lamps? Oh, those are eggplants.
Sibling 2: This rice needs more saffron.
Sibling 3: HUMMUS!
Sibling 1: The chicken isn't bad. Is this a potato?
Sibling 3: POTATO!
Waitress: Would your special sibling like some spiced carrots?
Sibling 3: CARROTS!
Sibling 2: [corrects pronunciation of "carrots"]
Sibling 3: CARROTS! Did you know that the Germans have at least three different words for carrots?
Sibling 1: What's this stuff?
Sibling 3: Not carrots! Try it.
Sibling 1: You horrible, evil person. It's napalm!
Sibling 3: Good on carrots.
Sibling 2: That's pronounced "Car-ots."
Sibling 3: Karotte Möhre Rüebli - BURP!

I'm kind of a pain in the ass. You should see me in Chinese restaurants in Ohio.

Spicy Roasted Cauliflower

2012-01-17T21:07:00.000+01:00

Ooh, this one has a short ingredients list: 2-3 cups cauliflower florets, 1 tablespoon olive oil, 1/2 to 1 teaspoon Sriracha hot sauce, and 1/4 teaspoon salt.

Here's what I started with: 2-3 cups cauliflower florets, three cubed potatoes, a few chopped carrots, 2 tablespoons of olive oil, two teaspoons of Sriracha, and half a teaspoon of salt.

The vegetables went into a baking pan. I mixed the olive oil with the hot sauce and salt and poured it over the vegetables. More olive oil and and another teaspoon and a half more Sriracha went over the mess. Mixed mess with wooden spoon. Baked at 400 for about 15 minutes. Fished out the cauliflower before it liquified and applied a liberal amount of burn cream to my left hand. Put the rest of the vegetables back in the oven for 15 more minutes. Resolved to put the cauliflower in a separate pan and put in the oven later next time so it's all ready at the same time.

Cuban Salad with Avocado

2012-01-16T20:53:00.000+01:00

I subscribe to a local basket of what grows around here. Thankfully, they are helpful enough to enclose recipes to tell me what the heck I do with this stuff. The issue is, I am not a strict recipe person. I have the attention span of a gnat, the patience of an ADD case who has to pee really bad, and the physical coordination of that fat kid no one wanted on the team in gym. Except I wasn't fat as a kid. I was scrawny, which that made it worse since I couldn't even function as a goalie by just standing there.

What was I saying about ADD again?

Oh, right. Salad.

One afternoon, I assemble the ingredients for this salad, or the closest thing I had to them in the kitchen. The recipe called for canola oil, half a yellow onion, thinly sliced, two ripe tomatoes cut into 6ths, 2 pitted and chopped avocados, a head of lettuce, greens from some daikon radishes, half a cup of cooked black beans, 2 table spoons of fresh lime juice and a quarter cup of each of sherry vinegar and olive oil.

First, you are to cook the sliced onion in the canola oil and sit to the side. Mix the other stuff that's not liquid. Whisk the stuff that is. Throw the liquid on the salad, toss, and add the onion. Simple, right?

No.

I can't thinly slice an onion to save my life. So I cut it teeny tiny and cooked as directed. In goes the lettuce and radish greens. The tomatoes were huge, so those got cut into chunks. I gave up trying to chop the avocado and mushed it up and then cut the mushings. I washed a can of black beans and measure out half a cup. I throw it in the bowl, put the lid on, and shake the heck out of it. What does one do with the remaining black beans? No idea, so I throw the rest of it on the salad with the avocado mushings that I left on the cutting board. What kind of a sick asshole invented an avocado, anyway? Yech.

I don't have sherry vinegar. I have six types of vinegar (rice, white wine, red wine, balsamic, and raspberry balsamic, and some sort of sweet kind) but not sherry. I use some red wine and the sweet kind and mix that with the olive oil and lime juice. I bite the lime peel. I don't know why I bit the lime peel. Holy hell are those things tart and why do they taste like coconut? I throw that in with the onions and shake. And take a bite. Bleech! This is not food. This is dinner for an masochistic anorexic rabbit without tastebuds. Or a man from New Hampshire. Whichever.

Finnish Camp

2012-01-15T21:06:00.000+01:00

Well, I got my registration confirmation for Finnish camp. I am seriously hoping I do not make a major ass out of myself, but I am pretty sure I will. My only other concern is being confronted with bloody pancakes.

What should I tackle next for "doing something new in 2012?"

Friday the 13th - The Rapture

2012-01-13T02:17:00.000+01:00

Bumper Sticker

2012-01-12T02:15:00.000+01:00

And this vehicle had Texas plates!

I work someplace where this is on the TV at times. Regardless of political viewpoint, the tone of it is sensationalist and is all about playing up the drama of whatever situation they are broadcasting. The political viewpoint I find icky as well.

Funny Sign

2012-01-11T02:07:00.000+01:00

Warning: Zombies is a rock and roll bar. Please only play rock - metal - punk genre music as all others will be rejected and no refunds will be given.

I wish we had had a sign like this when I worked in a Greek restaurant back home. Every hour or so, the thing would play the country song of liking his women on the trashy side or some Rod Stewart song with him singing "A weevil wa wa." The speakers on the thing were bad, so he may have been singing a love song to a badger, for all I know.

Traveling Tastebuds II

2012-01-10T18:49:00.000+01:00

Central Market

Central Market is a chain of upscale supermarkets in Texas tied to the HEB chain. They carry various organic, imported, and otherwise fancy foods. Well known for their produce section.

Sibling 1: Oooh, I love this place! 55 different types of olives! The pasta aisle is so tiny. Is that entire aisle chocolate? I'm in heaven.
Sibling 2: I found the pineapple substandard, the San Pellegrino bitter, and the bread fabulous.
Sibling 3: :: stuffing bread and olives in face before devouring the chocolate and slurping a lemon San Pellegrino ::

Elections

2012-01-09T18:30:00.000+01:00

My brain is still in hiatus, which is great. Unfortunately, the rest of the USA possesses brains that are in the same condition. It amazes me how clear it is becoming that being a dumb ass is seen as an major pro in politics and being smart means that you are not in touch with the rest of the country or are wishy washy because you have to actually mull something over and not say something stupid. As long as you are smart enough to speak in sentences short enough to be texted and avoid any major politically incorrect speech, you're good to go. Show signs of having a brain, though, and the media is going to turn on you as well as the rest of the country.

Damn, is that depressing.

Traveling Tastebuds I

2012-01-08T18:12:00.000+01:00

When my sister was living nearby in Texas, she always talked about how she wanted to start a blog called the Traveling Tastebuds and review restaurants. Alas, she is no longer with us and I live a few thousand km away from my sibling back home. So, for shits and giggles, I am going to take a guess how this would have played out in real life. Why? Because I am a horrible human being and my computer is acting difficult when it comes to Flash videos on YouTube, that's why. I will call them Sibling 1 and Sibling 2. I am Sibling 3. And for the record, I really am this stupid out in public.

Demo's Greek Restaurant

Demos is a Greek Restaurant in San Antonio across the street from the White Rabbit. They provide something a hair above fast food service, but the prices are slightly higher than a diner. Regardless, the quality isn't bad for the price, since making your own tiropita is a pain in the ass. The food is different from what you'd find up north, where the Greek population has intermingled with the locals long enough that you are more likely to find southern fried chicken than chicken souvlaki. And let me tell you, the fried chicken you find in a Greek restaurant in the rust belt will easily kick the butt of any other fried chicken on the planet.

Sibling 2: At these prices, there should be waiters! How can they justify a nine dollar sandwich without a waiter?
Sibling 1: What kind of Greek place does not serve hot dogs?
Sibling 3: Oh, look, falafel.
Sibling 1: Is that the hot dog?
Sibling 3: :: Distracted by the mural on the wall :: Huh?
Sibling 2: These gyros do not look like they were made by pygmies. I am very disappointed. Can I trade this in for moussaka?
Sibling 3: French fries!!! :: burns tongue, sticks face in ice water ::
Sibling 1: This chicken is good, even if it's not fried chicken. I can't get over a Greek place without hot dogs. This is insane.
Sibling 2: Hot dogs are bad unless they are kosher. This would have been good, only if the french fries were a little sweeter and the sauce were made properly. Who makes white sauce this way? Excuse, me, sir? I know you aren't a waiter, but would you mind filling this with three ice cubes, a dash of Sprite, and the rest with soda water? And then add another two ice cubes, but don't splash anything on the side of the glass.
Siblings 1 & 3: :: hide under leftover pita bread ::

Buckhorn

2012-01-06T06:04:00.000+01:00

I wish I could figure out how to get pictures to not be sideways on here. Anyway, the sunset had pretty colors.

Flogging Toasted Bread

2012-01-06T05:58:00.000+01:00

I saw this on the inside of the toilet stall door at work today. It says: How confident are you? Does this picture give you butterflies? Can you confidently express your thoughts? Toastmasters can help!

This confused me for many reasons. First, if I am on the toilet, the last thing on my mind is organizing my thoughts. Second, why would I get butterflies in a toilet stall? Third, how the heck is becoming the master of toasted bread supposed to help me overcome my fear of gigantic metal marital aids? Do you learn how to flog toast into a handy dildo sheath to hide the scary metal from prying eyes?

Wet Toilet Seat

2012-01-05T05:54:00.000+01:00

This is a lovely picture of a sculpture in a gigantic outdoor mall thing in Texas that looks like a giant toilet seat over a rapidly flooding toilet. The sign says that it uses recycled water. I bet it does.

2012 Things to Do

2012-01-04T22:35:00.000+01:00

I've decided I am going to do something different this year. I am not going to go to school. Well, not formal school where there are online or evening classes to devour my life. I am considering doing one of those Concordia language village things, though. I am thinking Arabic or Finnish, since I really have no experience in those languages and won't mix it up with anything else. Most of my time away from work has been spent burying people or visiting family in the most insane circumstances known to mankind. I want to do something else for a change.

In the same vein, there are travel agent type things that focus on educational opportunities for grownups, like living in someone's house so they can teach you Swedish or Finnish or Bulgarian or something. Not that I have a burning desire to learn Swedish (the one attempt to get me to say something in it led to a Swedish guy crying in frustration. It wasn't my fault I can't make gargling marble sounds without neither gargling nor marbles!), but it would be such a refreshing change from my daily life. There's also one geared towards learning how to make jewelry in France. I don't really wear jewelry nor do I speak French, but it wouldn't kill me to try either of those things. The cooking ones would be ill advised, since I doubt a bunch of tourists want to spend their holidays watching me screaming, bleeding, and applying burn cream to some of the most unexpected parts of my body. Hebrew would be handy, but it's too darn hot there for a vacation!

I'm kind of leaning towards learning Finnish, not least of all because I would have little chance of physically injuring myself. Spanish would be more useful, but I am sick and tired of doing useful rational things like getting a business degree and acting like a grown up. Finnish is far from the most useful language where I live, but I want to go to that darned Tuska festival and I don't want to end up in a relationship with some foreign guy because I meant to say something about Cannibal Corpse and the trunk of a Volkswagen and ended up saying, "Throw me in a moshpit and I'm yours." I wish that were just an irrational fear, but that fear is quite rational in my world because exactly that happened to me a couple of decades ago. Damn, was he cute. To this day, I can't listen to Hammer Smashed Face without feeling mopey. Unless it's that really politically incorrect version on YouTube that makes me laugh for ages.

Why DrinkingTea Lives in a Goatwhore Shirt

2012-01-03T22:33:00.000+01:00

Here's an old post I found in my draft folder that was never published.

Why do clothing manufacturers believe that women larger than a size 10 want clothing that:

Has drawstrings? If they think it is to add shape, then why are the drawstrings in such odd locations? I do not need a drawstring on my elbow.
Is patterned like a couch? I get it, compared to Kate Moss, I am shaped like a couch. This does not mean I want to be upholstered like one.
Is an ugly shade of beige or mauve? Or has a bright pattern with a ton of sequins?
Has pockets on the boobs? Is that really going to make my boobs look smaller?
Has no pockets in the back, because a gigantic ocean of denim with no breaks in it looks smaller?
Shows cleavage? I like my necklines near my neck. If the neckline of a shirt falls closer to my nipples than my collar bone, something is horribly wrong.

The upside of this is that I've found that concert shirts take a good decade off of your apparent age.

1939 Ford

2012-01-02T04:49:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time at a car show, I heard a little old lady talk about losing her virginity in the back of one of these.

Happy New Year Spinach Recipe

2012-01-01T21:31:00.000+01:00

Do you come from some ethnic group that insists on eating saurkraut on New Year's? Me, too. I hate that stuff. The only upside to eating it on New Year's Eve is that it is a 100% guarantee that your second meal of the year will be an improvement over the first. Here is a recipe of something that is sort of good for you and not as nasty.

Ingredients:

Pile of spinach, larger than you think you are going to need
Olive oil
Garlic, either freshly minced or the stuff in a jar. As long as it's not powdered, you're good
Hot pepper flakes
If you do dairy, a few packets of Parmesan cheese from the last time you got take out pizza

Items needed:

Stove
Saucepan
Wooden spoon or metal spatula
Burn spray

Clean the spinach. It's okay if it's not completely dry.
Heat up olive oil and lightly cook the garlic until you can smell that it is garlic from where are standing. Do not let oil get too hot, or the damp spinach + burning oil = embarrassing call to the insurance agency.
Add pile of spinach, one hand big full per person
Toss together with wooden spoon or metal spatula
Cover
Remove cover to check
Get steam burn on your forearm
Replace cover and stand away from stove.
Pointing away from stove, spray burn spray on your burn taking care to spray over a table or dishtowel so you don't slip in burn spray later in the evening
Tilt the side of the cover up away from you for a few seconds before removing entirely
Add red pepper flakes and/or Parmesean

Dump into dish.
Dump pasta over the spinach, if you have any.
Apply more burn spray to your arm.
Eat with some kind of eating utensil unless you fancy eating the burn spray on your fingers as a condiment.

Venom - Nightmare

2011-12-30T05:35:00.000+01:00

This was the first heavy metal song I heard. I was eleven years old and I bought this on cassette with my birthday money because the tape was a nice shade of blue. Or was it grey? Ah, crap, it was a long time ago. In any case, it made one hell of an impression on me and I have questionable musical taste to this day.

Coincidence? Or Something More Sinister?

2011-12-29T21:36:00.000+01:00

Commercial from the Swing Wing in the 1960's:

Bands made up of men born in the 1960's:

Exodus - A Good Day to Die

Cannibal Corpse - Hammer Smashed Face

Kilpi - Kaaoksen Kuningas

Where Did You Come From XXXVII

2011-12-28T23:14:00.000+01:00

Almere, Flevoland arrived from google.nl on "Drinking Tea: Wildcat Roller Coaster at Idora Park" by searching for drinking tea in a rollercoaster.

03:53:12 -- 11 days 19 hours ago

I am not sure why you would feel the need to drink tea in a roller coaster, but if you have a compelling need to do so, I suggest you duct tape one of those water bottles that are used for hamster cages to your head, but make sure it's not so heavy that your neck will break when you go down a hill.

Flight Status - Happy

2011-12-27T06:09:00.000+01:00

Testicles in a Jar

2011-12-26T05:46:00.000+01:00

One of the most beloved traditions in my Land of Origin is the annual eating of testicles in a dish known as Hot Eggs. Starting in April, we remove the lower hanging testicle of each testicle bearing person after the age of 23 and pickle them in a salty solution made of vinegar and cayenne pepper with and a pinch of sugar added. Traditionally, the testicle is harvested with the assistance of an industrial sized olive picker made with an old coat hanger and a rusty steak knife. By June, the testicle gathering is complete and the jars are boiled and sealed until late December when they are eaten to bring good luck in the coming year.

Recipe for Canned Testicles

Equipment needed:

that huge pot you use to make an industrial sized pot of goulash;
1 canner (a huge pot to sanitize the jars after filling)
Canning jars and new lids with rings
Large spoons and ladles
Jar grabber so you don't burn your hands
A magnet to pick up the lids so you don't burn your hands

Ingredients needed:

About a dozen testicles per can, skinned;
Vinegar;
Cayenne pepper or paprika, depending on your preference;
Sea salt;
Granulated sugar

Step One - sterilize everything and clean the testicles well. This is when you'll need the grabber and the magnet. Do not contaminate anything after you disinfect it. The last thing you want is to give your family and friends is botulism.

Step Two - Boil enough vinegar to cover the jar plus some extra to account for evaporation. Dissolve the sugar and salt until your nostrils burn slightly. Add the hot stuff until it's orangeish.

Step Three - While this is boiling, put the testicles into the jar.

Step Four - Pour the vinegar solution over the testicles, leaving only a quarter inch or so of space. Put on the ring and lid.

Step Five - After your jars are filled, put them in the canner with enough water to fully cover the jars with at least an inch of water over the jars. Boil.

Step Six - put the jars on the counter and let cool. The next day, poke at the lid to make sure they are properly sealed. If there is any give to the lid, they probably didn't process properly.

Real Italian!

2011-12-24T05:42:00.000+01:00

I don't think you can see it here, but these are gigantic cans of Hungarian lekvar found in an Italian grocery store right after being restocked.

Poppy Seed Butter or Reindeer Poop?

2011-12-23T05:23:00.000+01:00

This is actually poppy seed butter, but it looks a lot like a reindeer got a bad case of the Hershey squirts at the local grocery store. I never realized how exotic (for lack of a better word) and blended our ethnic traditions were back there until I moved. Back home, Polish noodles are considered Italian food, lasagne is considered holiday fare even if you eat paprikash no a regular basis, fried apple pies or sweet potato pie are eaten by everyone regardless of skin color, and kibbe, gyros, and/or pieroghi are not considered exotic by anyone. If you go over a friend's house and they put meat in the pieorghi, you are probably going to look at them funny. Rather than calling it unauthentic and pushing it around your plate, you're still going to eat it, though. You may make jokes about their ethnic group in the car on the way home like they do when they see that you do not serve the Regulation Parsley Potatoes at your church/synagogue/temple gathering.

This is in direct contrast to where I live now. Here, there is one main ethnic group and two smaller ethnic groups. There has been some intermingling of the three, but it's pretty minimal. Outside of the mingling of a specific type of vegetable with any and all food items, there is no blending of anything that I've seen. There has been a little bit of social intermingling, but it's pretty minimal. Either you are part of one of the three major subsets from the nearest home country, you are one of the two smaller ethnic groups, or you are from another part of the country/world and you probably spend a huge amount of time navigating the types of landmines that exist only when you are transplanted to an area where people seem to speak the same language but the meanings of everything is completely different. Not that things here are all bad, but this is probably one of the biggest downsides to living here. A upside, though, is the dearth of reindeer shit.

Moon Beaver

2011-12-22T05:21:00.000+01:00

This is the exit to get to two towns in Pennsylvania - Moon and Beaver.

Demon Trash

2011-12-21T05:16:00.000+01:00

I wish I could figure out how to get pictures not sideways. On my latest flight somewhere, I was standing near it, since there was no other place to stand. When flying, I usually take early flights to minimize the risk of being stranded somewhere overnight. The downside to this is being dead tired for a day or two and feeling like a zombie during the flight. When in this zombified state, little things can scare the living daylights out of you, such as this trash can that compacts the trash while making a loud noise and emitting a stench worthy of Columbus, Ohio's High Street in early August.

Yep, posting lots of boring pictures for the next few days for lack of other content. Check back in a few weeks for more mocking of music videos, recipes, and rants on society in general that are brewing.

You Call this Ventilation?!

2011-12-20T05:13:00.000+01:00

Last year, I called up the maintenance folks where I work, asking for them to maybe clean the vents out since we're all sneezing like a bunch of doofuses that forgot our face masks in a pepper factory. The response was that everything was perfectly clean and that there were no issues with any of them, all were changed out last year, and that it was just allergy season. Uh uh.

The Nastiness that is Quark

2011-12-19T05:01:00.000+01:00

Here's a picture from my most recent trip to the grocery store, where my archnemesis in dairy products suddenly appeared. Once upon a time, I visited some friends in a place far, far away. One day, we were in the kitchen and eggs, flour, raisins, and a few other things were assembled into what could have possibly been pancakes.

Alas, it was not pancakes. When they were 3/4 of the way finished, they were cut up and put on the plates in their mushy, doughy glory. I don't recall what they tasted like, but the outsides were slightly browned and the insides were partially phlegm and partially Elmer's glue with the merest hint of dead flies. It would have been possible to choke down this concoction if there were jam or some kind of syrup. Or copious amounts of vodka. I would have learned to like the taste of vodka if it could have helped me ignore the texture of this stuff. The other people were cheerfully devouring this insult to pancake houses world wide, so I am sure that whoever is reading this would love this stuff.

Just when I thought I had my gag reflex under control, they gave me what looked to be sour cream. Okay, I like sour cream. Thinking maybe this was some sort of bastardized potatoless latke, I added a teeny bit of it in case it wouldn't go well with something that should have been sweet.

Imagine, if you would, jogurt only with a texture that causes all moisture to flee from your teeth leaving nothing to protect you from the slightly metallic bitterness that is this version of fermenting dairy product. Add the smell of sour cream minus the sour and plus the scent of Martian pus.

Dear Tiny Grey Cat

2011-12-17T19:26:00.000+01:00

I do love you, really I do. I feel bad that my first words to you were 'Ah, shit' when I saw that the screaming was coming from a kitten. Not just any type of kitten, no. You were the smelliest, ugliest, least adorable, unfriendly four week old bundle of stench, fleas, and hisses that I have ever had the fortune to come across. I spent a good twenty minutes chasing after you on a hot humid day, stopping traffic twice and cornering you in an elevator alcove to capture you so I could pick you up. The second I picked you up, you pooped all over the place and hissed at me. Once I got you home, you thanked me by stinking up my closet, leaving bloody foot prints all over the place and snarling at me for a week and a half.

In the past year and a half since that day, I have bathed you a few dozen times, got you medical care, and spoiled you rotten. You have been tamed to the point where you purr more often than you growl and have adapted nicely to living in an apartment with your three aunts and uncle kitties. I am thrilled that you now just smell a little bad rather than reek like a week old decaying goat covered in pig turds, especially since you fancy yourself a burrowing woodland creature who burrows under the forest floor of blankets and sheets on the bed.

However, there are a few things I need to remind you of:

Cats do not eat couscous.
Cats do not eat spaetzle.
Cats do not need to take showers.
If a cat feels the need to take a shower, the cat has no right to be angry about being wet.
Water makes you wet, no matter how much you love it.
You need to stop running into the hallway. You sucked at being a feral cat. You sucked at being an outdoor cat. You have found your talent in being a spoiled house cat. Own it.
Cats do not eat eggplant skin.
Cats do not eat jaegersauce.
Cats do not need blueberry muffins to survive.
Please stop tap dancing on the mentally defective half Siamese cat. It annoys her. She shows her annoyance by bathing you. I don't understand it either, but please stop tap dancing on her since it makes her scream, causing the Big Grey Cat to go on a rampage.
Cats do not eat potato skins.
Cats do not drink out of a straw.
Cats do not drink tea.
Cats do not drink tea out of a straw.

Love and kisses,

The human that feeds you constantly.

Veg

2011-12-16T00:12:00.000+01:00

Vegan Black Metal Chef - Tofurky

2011-12-15T22:24:00.000+01:00

I don't think I can bring myself to eat this. Well, maybe the veggie and the garlic, but the Tofurkey looks like a gigantic buffalo testicle.

Pizza Rant

2011-12-14T16:53:00.000+01:00

For the love of all that is holy and containing garlic, what the hell is the deal with people here and underdone pizza crust? I used to work in a pizza shop and it is NOT difficult to keep the thing in the oven long enough to get the bottom done. The first time or two this happened since I came to this city, I thought the issue was a miscalibrated pizza oven. How on Earth does every single pizza oven in this entire city become miscalibrated? Do people here like underdone pizza crust? Pizza crust should be slightly crunchy but not burned on the bottom. It should not be the consistency of Wonder Bread.

That is all.

Korpiklaani

2011-12-13T04:20:00.000+01:00

I finally got to see Korpiklaani live! The sound at the venue was surprisingly good, the band was great, and the whole thing was a lot of fun. The crowd ranged in age from early high school up through what appeared to be grandparents age with everything in between. The first two bands, Polkadot Cadaver and Forged in Flame were pretty good. FiF were from Cleveland and had the accent. Arkona were great. I will write more later, but here are some pictures of Korpiklaani (couldn't get anything of the drummer due to the lighting, though).

Hidden behind the antlers is a very cute accordion player.

Note to self: Americans will mosh to anything so do not attend shows wearing anything but sturdy boots:

Yet More Inexplicable Videos

2011-12-12T05:05:00.000+01:00

After thoroughly skewering The Ballad* the other week, I am on a quest to find more videos that make no sense. Here is a repeat of one that I posted a while ago that probably takes the cake. It probably makes perfect sense for those who speak Finnish and are familiar with the culture there. I am familiar with a few different cultures, but not that one outside of reading an English translation of the Kalevala and listening to a lot of folk and heavy metal. I only know the reputation of that culture for depression, stabbing, and really talented musicians. Kind of like Cleveland but probably less smelly. For those afraid of youtube, here is what happens:

A newly wed couple is standing outside in the snow when a man pulls a gigantic portable gas pump towards them. She looks far more resigned than Chuck Billy was in that Ballad video, but just as cheerful. I guess if I were newly wed and standing in the snow with a huge portable gas pump coming right at me, I might look about that alive. The guy pulling the gas pump fills the up a bunch of gas tanks with what appear to be Hebrew National hot dogs or explosives stuck to them and sets a timer before closing the trunk.

Scientific things that make no sense fill the screen to the right. No idea what they mean other than what I suspect to be the words for 'assault' and 'sugar eating', but they look like they were written by smart people. The words could mean badger stir fry or underwater woodworking for all I know. One of the images appears to be a graph showing the change in something between 1985 and 1995. Maybe that's when the zombie Santa Klaus who walking through the snow bit the dust for the first time after being assaulted by a sugar demon. The woman is now looking bored and impatient in her blue eye shadow.

Santa is slowly coming and then come the guys on skis, two of which are pulling a sled or a corpse or who knows what behind them. I wonder why. Maybe they are pulling a turkey.

Still Santa comes closer, looking more and more like Dani Filth crossed with Marilyn Manson, only more dead. The happy couple are standing across the street from a shopping mall as though they both wish the flames of hell would burst out and immolate them where they stand. Why they don't go into the mall where it is presumably heated, I have no earthly idea. Then they go stand in another shopping center parking lot. Like that makes more sense. On second thought, no, it doesn't make any more sense. Then they go standing in front of another parking lot. And another. And another. And another. And another. Seriously, guys? Are you really that mad about not getting everything on your wedding registry? This has to be the worst honeymoon ever. Can your honeymoon possibly suck any worse? Perhaps you should consider a beer cruise to Estonia?

Meanwhile, the older guy is holding the car door open. Perhaps he is the taxi driver on this miserable honeymoon. Perhaps he is taking them to the airport to go to a more cheerful location, such as Gary, Indiana? Into the car they go as the driver gives them a chilling glance in the rear view mirror as he is wondering why the hell they want to spend their honeymoon standing in front of shopping centers and debating the merits of murdering them instead. Hey, maybe he's going to blow them up with the hotdogs and gasoline in the trunk!

The skiers stand there with their goggles on making about as much sense as a hairspray cloud in a Testament video. Actually, the skiers make less sense. Men in their 20s showing hairspray fueled angst (I hate that word in English, by the way) in any situation is completely logical compared to skiers standing there with goggles in front of a sled full of heaven knows what as they observe the worst honeymoon ever.

Why? Who knows. Maybe they are standing at the ready to pull their bodies out of the car after the cab driver murders them and throw them in a frozen lake somewhere. This video makes less sense than any thrash video on the planet, but the music is pretty darn pleasant, if not cheerful. This probably relates to some tragedy that happened in Finland, but darned if I know what it could have been, what with my face being buried in a textbook or spreadsheet for the past decade or so.

Timo Rautiainen & Trio Niskalaukaus - Kylmä Tila

*If you happen to read this and were involved in the making of that video - I love the song and think the band is still the cutest thrash band ever despite one of them having the same hair cut I had my last year of high school (can someone please tell me what they use to wash their faces so I can stockpile it for myself to keep aging at bay), so please don't pour stale Mt. Dew over my head.

Hannukah vs. Christmas

2011-12-11T03:26:00.000+01:00

For the record, there is no way to misspell hannukah, channukah, hanukkah, chanukah unless you spell it "Christmas." Since I've been asked for the second time this year about when "Jewish Christmas" falls this year, I am posting a handy chart to illustrate the differences between the two holidays:

חֲנֻכָּה	Christmas
Lots of lights	Lots of lights
Eating fried food	Eating candy out of socks
Eating dairy products	Eating cookies and then being all angry that you put on weight
Commemorates a miracle that kept us from being assimilated	Commemorates the birth of a human sacrifice
Takes place in late fall or early winter	Takes place in winter
Chocolate money	Credit card debt
Gambling for chocolate money	Annual Black Friday head bash
Latkes	Fruitcake
Kids feeling left out	Kids feeling overwhelmed
Candlewax on the cat's feet	Tinsel trailing out of the dog's bum
Eight nights of muttering in Hebrew while trying not to burn your fingers	One night of going out into the cold to go sit in a church with a bunch of screaming kids, half dressed teenagers, and angry middle aged people, if what people post on LJ is to be believed.
The mystery of why there is no middle ground between “Where the heck did I get 567 candles?” and “I just need one more candle...hey, will this tea light/mummified potato/smouldering chicken wing work?”	The mystery of where the giant turkey shaped serving dish disappeared to
Grease covered dishtowels	Exploded Christmas balls
People asking you whose birth you celebrate on December 25	Everyone around you doing the same thing with a few minor differences, such as that pickled herring in a can with some sort of sour cream vomit
A requirement that you not inflict violence when everyone else tries to say the name of the holiday three inches from your face while impersonating a Danish person with norovirus.	A requirement that everyone else celebrate, too, since anyone not celebrating diminishes the holiday

Clearing the Head

2011-12-09T21:41:00.000+01:00

In the next paragraph is the real reason why you may not have gotten the job/promotion/sexual favor you feel that you deserved. Please note that screaming, "I just don't buy that" or "I don't understand" in that "I totally understand that but am going to be a real asshole about the entire thing" kind of way will not be entertained and this meeting will be terminated with an elephant gun.

You did not get the job/promotion/sexual favor because of one or more of the following:

You totally suck at your job.
Even if you satisfactorily perform 98% of your job duties, the remaining 2% of "works well with other employees, clients, and vendors" is a pretty darned important 2% of your job and is pass/fail. You fail.
You have to be the biggest asshole I have ever met. If you were to get promoted, I'd have to deal with you even more than I do now. There is no way I can handle that.
Someone else is more qualified. Now, I know it is difficult for you to wrap that around your little bird brain. Even though you met all technical requirements, someone else exceeded them more than you did and didn't piss off the entire management team*.
I don't care if you are boinking someone else at work. Actually, yes I do. While I applaud your commitment to safe sex, the next time I find a condom wrapper or condom in the shredder, I am going to ship your happy ass to Outer Mongolia. By the way, the condom was empty and dry, so he was faking it.
Your incessant use of the word "self" for emphasis is really pissing off your coworkers and myself. See how annoying that is? You piss off your coworkers and ME. Myself is not the more formal version of "me." Yourself is not the more formal version of "you." Here is how to correctly use the word yourself: "Go fuck yourself." "Yourself" is a reflexive pronoun, meaning the subject (in this case, the implied "you" in command form) and "-self" are bound to one another. In commands, you can also use the "-self" construction for clarification and/or emphasis, such as "Go fuck him yourself" or "He will fuck you himself [because I can not be bothered/whatever]." In this case, "yourself" and "himself" is used to emphasize the subject of the sentence. Keep in mind, however, you generally do not command yourself (reflexive case, remember) nor do you request others to do so; therefore, "I request you send these documents to myself" is wrong and really annoying.
You can't get your time card right, how the hell do you think you are going to count out a cash drawer accurately?
Your voice is alone responsible for the increase of migraines in the distribution department.

*Team - a group of people who have to work together, usually in the performance of something that is unpleasant, and manage to do so without unintended, uncontrolled, or non-consensual violence.

Christmas Q&A II

2011-12-08T20:22:00.000+01:00

Question: It's just a secular holiday, so what's wrong with you doing _________?
Polite Answer: Oh, nothing is wrong with it, it just seems disrespectful and it's not my thing.
Actual Answer: Oh, come on! For a few weeks out of the year I have to hear your coreligionists piss and moan about how horrible it is that the holiday has become so commercialized and secular and how it's a shame that the "reason for the season" is being forgotten! And now you are calling it secular? Talk about having a split personality! Gack! Not to mention that my rabbi disagrees with participation in certain things. Not that the rabbi has veto power over my life, but I happen to agree with the guy and since you can't seem to grasp "Does not fit with my philosophy" without bringing in a higher power here on earth, I'll invoke the rabbi. He's a great rabbi, by the way. But even if I thought he was a jerk, he'd still be right on this one.

Question: Aren't you tempted?
Polite Answer: No, not at all. But the trees are pretty. Does your family have your tree up yet? (yay for topic change!)
Actual Answer: Tempted by what? The screaming matches, the annual fights at Walmart, egg nog (while they do make a kosher version of it, egg nog of all types is vile!), the stale cookies, the angry people, the extra debt, the disappointment, or the having to pretend it's all worth it? And then you go on about how it's different when you have kids, but most of the kids I've seen are pretty miserable with the holiday and are only feeding off of the adults "I bet you hope Santa is going to bring you a bunch of expensive stuff this year!" because simple greed is the only thing to look forward to when the adults around you are all going collectively insane.

Question: But you celebrate Easter, don't you?
Polite Answer: No, we have another set of holidays, but the dyed eggs are pretty. Does your family have your tree up yet? (yay for topic change!)
Actual Answer: Well, let's see, if the Messiah hasn't been born yet, then I guess the Messiah ain't dead yet! Oh, wait, our deity prohibits human sacrifice! And the eating of human corpses (unless we happen to be zombies or that is the only way to survive - yes, this topic has been debated by others of my religion). And the drinking of blood. Even if it were okay by religion, it's still gross.

Christmas Q&A I

2011-12-07T19:33:00.000+01:00

If you know me in person or have read this for a while, you may have figured out that I don't do Christmas. Why not? Many reasons. Some of them are religiously based and some of them are more common sense based. In public, I tend to either downplay things or crack a joke about how they get tons of presents and we just eat donuts. In private, my feelings for not participating in this holiday are a bit different. Here is a list of the questions that come up annually followed by my answers.

Question: Why don't you do Christmas?
Polite Answer: I am not a Christian. Does your family have your tree up yet? (yay for topic change!)
Actual Answer: I don't mean that in the typical North American "I am culturally Christian, but I do not say grace before meals and if I had a religion, I'd be Christian" kind of way. I mean it in the "I follow a completely different religion that does not have Christmas as one of its holidays" kind of way. Seriously, there are other religions out there that don't do the Christ thing.

Question: So does Christmas offend you?
Polite Answer: No more than Epiphany does. Does your family have your tree up yet? (yay for topic change!)
Actual Answer: Does Tu B'Shevat offend you? No, it does not offend me. However, you trying to force my participation in your religious holiday does. I don't care how you celebrate your holiday. I hope you have fun! Hell, I'll even talk to you about table decoration ideas if you want. But please do not force me to participate in your holiday. I don't know how I can make this any more simple for you: Christmas =/= offensive. Someone getting their knickers in a bunch because I am not doing Christmas things myself and/or refusing to wear a reindeer sweater and/or say Merry Christmas (because how the hell am I supposed to know that you are Christian yourself?) = offensive. I'd like to know how the hell my actions or lack thereof affect someone else's ability to have their own freaking holiday.

Question: So what do you do for Christmas?
Polite Answer: Enjoy the day off. Does your family have your tree up yet? (yay for topic change!)
Actual Answer: Go out for Chinese food like we've done for 2000 years. Or read a book. Or not do what you do because the stressed out psycho look in your eyes scares me.

Question: Isn't that sad?
Polite Answer: Nope. Does your family have your tree up yet? (yay for topic change!)
Actual Answer: Sad? Let me get this straight, you go into debt each year buying people crap that you don't want to buy that they don't want to have, eat a bunch of food you beat yourself up over having eaten, deal with relatives and their drama, have umpteen Christmas parties with cowokers that you loathe, overcommit, and are utterly miserable in celebration of the birth of a human sacrifice and you are calling my non observance of that holiday sad? Are you sad that you don't have Purim? What's that? Yeah.

Abigail Williams

2011-12-06T17:05:00.000+01:00

The other night, I saw Abigail Williams play live. I like black metal, but very little of the symphonic stuff. Despite that, the style of music is something akin to what I listen to and I didn't have to go very far at all to see them, I figured I had nothing to lose. The venue was pretty tiny and the music playing between bands was far louder than the bands themselves. Considering the bands were loud enough to make Lemmy dive behind the couch, you can imagine how uncomfortable this was. The bass vibrations made the hairs on my eyebrows vibrate, for crying out loud. However, the venue itself was otherwise pretty darned good as long as you have earplugs. The ventilation was decent, the staff great, and the general flow of where people walking wasn't where people stand to watch the band. They also had a water cooler and some cheap cups for the thirsty and they allowed people to go in and out if you needed a break.

Between local acts, I saw a Polish* looking guy entertaining a corpsepaint wearing child by building a house of cards with CDs. I found it pretty entertaining, too. He managed to get it up to about three layers before they slid down. He managed to catch them so no CD case was damaged. So, when the band took the stage and this guy went up there with a bass guitar, all I knew was the name and that the bass player can stack up CDs in artistic formations and has good hand eye coordination. When they took the stage and had their last minute sound things going on, they said that they wanted the recording of the strings to be audible to the audience the entire time. Three guitars and a bass aren't enough strings?! Really?

The rest of the band consisted of a cheerful looking drummer, the coordinated bass player, and three men who looked like the love children of Grizzly Adams and Mikael Åkerfeldt playing guitar. Why there were three men playing guitar, I have no idea. Two men are usually plenty. No, they had three. Due to the small stage, the coordinated bass player was standing behind Grizzly Åkerfeldt #1 and a little bit to the left. Grizzly Åkerfeldt #2 sang. Grizzly Åkerfeldt #3 also played guitar and looked like he was somewhat enjoying himself the littest bit. Grizzly Åkerfeldt #1 looked beyond miserable. Considering the circumstances of this part of the tour, I could somewhat understand that, but what came next just spread the misery.

They played.

They played well and it was very well rehearsed. They were very professional. Despite this group's playing well, I just can't get into that style of music. The rhythm section was very talented and the breakdowns (yep, they had 'em), were a lovely break to the monotony. The music needed parts cut out like most Stephen King books need an editor. The Grizzly Åkerfeldts themselves looked bored. The bass player and drummer looked like the only two who were remotely enjoying themselves. At one point, Grizzly Åkerfeldt #2's hair exploded, making him look more like a brown bear than a guitarist. The songs kept going for so long that I was sorely tempted to yell, "I'll give you one of my best friends to fuck, if only you stop playing! Even the Reverse Stalker. Hell, I'll fuck any of you in the band who is not a Grizzly Åkerfeldt if it means you will leave the stage. Or I'll help carry your gear. I don't care. I'll make you paprikash, I'm sure someone in your band would rather eat some paprikash! BASS PLAYERS FUCKING LOVE PAPRIKASH! PLEASE STOP!" Grizzly Åkerfeldt #2 mentioned that they were playing the same three songs every night. Yes, but every single song lasted long enough for someone to make an entire box of Kraft dinner, eat it, and wash the pot.

I got so bored that I gave serious thought to whether it was V05 or Pantene the guy in front of me used on his hair. If it were less loud, I would have asked him, because he had great hair and its texture was the same as mine. I also noticed the guy next to me had a thick enough beard that I found myself actively waiting for a coocoo bird to come out of it. And I puzzled over whether the bassist looked more Polish or Austrian, since his cheekbones kind of looked like that guy from Pungent Stench, but his face overall was more like that guy in my English class who I think was Polish. Yeah, when you're seeing birds come of out beards and trying to figure out the ethnic heritage of a complete stranger, you're beyond bored.

From the reactions of the crowd, this band was much beloved. Unfortunately, I just am not that evolved. Blech!

Another Inexplicable Video

2011-12-05T05:43:00.000+01:00

This is not a music video, but since it has a dog eating reindeer poop, I felt it was appropriate for the approaching winter season. Oh, wait, we don't have winter where I live now. Grrr.

Poronpaskaa, Reindeershit

Creepy Picture

2011-12-04T04:40:00.000+01:00

I went for a walk the other night (loving this not summer weather) and noticed a building that was partially demolished. Either the Christmas lights or the night setting on my phone turned the palm trees red.

Bad Receptionist

2011-12-02T04:36:00.000+01:00

DrinkingTea: Here, hang up these Christmas cards that we got in the mail in the alcove wall behind your desk.
Receptionist: They are holiday cards. Won't they offend someone for not saying "Merry Christmas?"
DrinkingTea: No one cares much about that in real life.
Receptionist: This is stupid. Why do I have to do this?
DrinkingTea: It's Christmas. Offices hang up Christmas cards. DEAL WITH IT!
Receptionist: I shouldn't have to do this.
DrinkingTea: Hang up the cards.
Receptionist: No. They're cheap and tacky.
DrinkingTea: : glares :
Receptionist: Do I have to?
DrinkingTea: Hang up the cards.
Receptionist: : glares :

DrinkingTea: I will write your ass up for insubordination. Hang up the fucking cards before I smack you in the testicles with my mallet.
Receptionist: This isn't fair!
DrinkingTea: Just hang up the fucking cards. Now.
Receptionist: Where, here? : holds card up on wall adjacent to alcove :
DrinkingTea: : gives the "I can't believe this look" : No, in the alcove.
Receptionist: This is just stupid!
DrinkingTea: It's a Christmas card.
Receptionist: It's a holiday card and someone is going to get mad and offended.
DrinkingTea: Let them. Send them to the Jew in HR if there is an issue.
Receptionist: Oh, yeah, that'll help. You'll whack them with your mallet.

DrinkingTea: : sits down. Returns a few minutes later : Hang the cards!
Receptionist: Do I have to?
DrinkingTea: YES!
Receptionist: Can I use thumb tacks:
DrinkingTea: NO! You'll fuck up the wall.
Receptionist: : takes about five inches of tape and tapes it to the wall :
DrinkingTea: : wants to kick his ass for playing office games :
Receptionist: Better?
DrinkingTea: Yeah, I guess. : pulls of a reasonable amount of tape : Use this.
Receptionist: : tapes up other card : How does this look?
DrinkingTea: : thinking "How the hell did you manage to hang up to cards behind a vase and manage to make the entire thing look like a Danzig album or a dried flower filled uterus with Christmas card fallopian tubes" : That's lovely.
Receptionist: I still think it's stupid.

Speed Metal Question

2011-12-01T01:10:00.008+01:00

In other news, here is another urgent question I found online:

Boss to office: Is speed metal appropriate to listen to at work? Quietly?

Manhattan, New York
via Overheard in the Office, Nov 7, 2011

For the record, yes. Yes, speed metal is appropriate to listen to at work as long as it's played relatively quietly. So is death (Cannibal Corpse/Obituary/Morbid Angel), thrash (Exodus/Kreator/Testament), black (Beherit/Abruptum/Archgoat), blackened death with a side of mango salsa (Goatwhore), hardcore (Biohazard/Agnostic Front sometimes), and crossover (DRI). Grindcore (Brutal Truth) however, is never appropriate for work, as it is extremely annoying.

The Local Band that Sucks III

2011-11-30T20:43:00.003+01:00

In some cities, it's notable that the local acts don't generally suck.

I made a recent trip to Texas and found that the San Antonio/Austin/Houston area has a ton of death and blackish metal bands that do not suck. Texas, the land of beers, steers, queers, and decent death metal. Who knew?

Revolting Cocks - Beers, Steers, and Queers

Plutonian Shore- Invoking Ereshkigal

The Local Band that Sucks II

2011-11-29T20:01:00.003+01:00

Every city has The Local Band that Sucks (TLBtS). What is notable about this band is not that they suck, however. There are lots of bands out there that suck. They generally get annoyed that no one in the scene supports them and eventually give up. Not these guys. The notable thing about this act is its members. They are the nicest guys on the planet. The support everyone else who plays. They share their beer with the people up front when they are stage. They go out of their way to help others with their gear, encourage people in a bad mood, and say hello to everyone, even the creepy person I mentioned last post. They even go out of their way to find that the normal looking person has an encyclopedic knowledge of Deceased. If they are married, their wives are the nicest, coolest people ever and they probably bake great cookies, too. They are nice, they are sweet, and just seeing them lightens the mood of everyone in the room.

Until they take the stage, that is.

When they hit the stage, the drunkest people in the room will stand in front of the stage, put their heads down, headbang, and wave their beers around. Everyone else stands about two metres behind them. From behind, you can see the tension in the shoulders of this second line. From the front, they are smiling. The band starts. The drunk guys in the front are screaming and having a great time in the same way that of laughing at demented Great Aunt Marnie's annual story about the time the Thanksgiving turkey caught fire is a great time. People discreetly hand shots or strong mixed drinks to the wives and girlfriends of the band. Even the drunkest asshole in the world can not bring himself to tell these guys that they are horrible, so the fact that they suck is as closely guarded a secret as anything at 115 dB can be.

To those who have not seen this band before, it takes about three seconds for the reality to hit - this band sucks. This band sucks bad. This band sucks so bad that it could not get off a premature ejaculator watching the hottest pornographic movie ever made (in the figurative sense, of course). Maybe the singer sounds exactly like a pig oinking. Maybe the guitars do not fit with the rest of the music. Maybe the bass player broke three strings and hasn't noticed and no one wants to tell him because that would only multiply the horrible racket coming from that side of the stage. Perhaps the drumming sounds like someone put a bunch of metal barbeque skewers in the drier with a bowling ball. Perhaps they suck only severely rather than extremely but have the stage presence of an impotent porn star and everyone feels embarrassed watching them. Whatever the causes, and they may be many, the band is horrible. When they thank everyone for showing up and being the best people ever, you can taste the guilt when everyone yells back. The enthusiasm from the audience is the fan equivalent of a mercy fuck.

As soon as they are finished, the girlfriends breathe a collective sigh of relief and, if drinkers, down their final shot of the night before a relatively large number of the local scene members descend upon the stage to help the band with their gear. Afterwards, you will hear some hysterical reaching as people try to come up with nice things to say. "Great show" is the most common one, but no one comments on the music if they can avoid it. Maybe they will commiserate on the bad sound guy. "Great job!" is another one, but the tone is the same as you hear at a grade four talent show when the parent doesn't want to crush the kid's spirit and is trying to figure out a way to dissuade the kid from ever dancing to Foot Loose in public again.

The Local Band that Sucks I

2011-11-28T19:39:00.006+01:00

I haven't been in my current location for very long, so I haven't identified The Local Band that Sucks (TLBtS) just yet. However, any city that has any type of underground metal/punk/kazoo scene does have a few things in common:

Lots of whining about how this scene is the worst, our city sucks, I want out, these people suck, this place has a unique flavor of suck. These comments are always from locals who have generally never lived elsewhere long enough to have gotten to know how it is in other places once the novelty wears off. Those from somewhere far away just shrug because it feels just like every other city they've lived in. This has to be extremely disorienting for touring bands.
Not a lot of turnout at many shows. Every city thinks the reasons are unique. Every city's reasons are virtually identical.
At least two different social groups* that do not interact with one another if they can avoid it despite there being some movement between the two groups.
The typical social group things you find with any other group, be it gamers, coworkers, or anything else you can think of - leader, insiders, outsiders, hangers on, those involved due to marriage/dating, black sheep, etc.
The one who doesn't seem to fit but seems to be there all the time that creeps people out. Usually a guy, but I know of at least one case where it was a tiny female.
The one who doesn't seem to fit but seems to be there all the time who no one knows where they came from. This person is visibly different from the others. It could be race, gender, style of dress, or age. This guy/girl doesn't seem to creep anyone out like the last list item, though.
The bartender no one can have but everyone wants and/or the bartender that someone had and immediately regretted.
The promoter or club owner who people feel is money hungry but in all reality just has the business sense of a sea otter but makes just enough to keep going. If this person really were money hungry, this would not be the targeted scene unless the person had the business sense of a slightly retarded sea otter.
The sound guy who everyone hates because you just know he is trying to make your band sound horrible. In reality, he's probably incompetent or the equipment at the club just sucks. Or, in one city, this guy actually did mess up the sound of bands he didn't like.
And, finally, TLBtS. More on that one tomorrow.

*Replace Jewish soldier with "person from the metal scene" and synagogue with "bar/venue/record store" and you get the same effect:
A Jewish sailor was shipwrecked on a desert island and the first thing he did was build two synagogues....
Years later when he was rescued people were bewildered and asked him: Why he built two synagogues... to which he replied: "Oh that other one... I would NEVER go there!"

Introduction

2011-11-27T00:10:00.005+01:00

I've been writing stuff here for years and this blog has become my catch all junk drawer where I can see what stupid links amused me a few years ago and where my head was as well as ranting about things I can't in real life. Overall, though, I've kept things pretty vague, mostly light hearted, and impersonal, with a few exceptions such as the November 2009 Grand Funeral Tour, but I may be loosening that up a little bit.

As for now, I've finished school for the time being with another four year university degree - this time in business. It was painful. I'm sure it will be more useful than the degree I have in a foreign language and religion, but the religion degree was far more interesting. The program wasn't based on any one religion and was taught more as some sort of bastardized sociology/philosophy cross with a bunch of really good professors. This program was quite the opposite. Most of the professors were still good, but I loathed the subject matter. I am seriously considering grad school, but I might decide to go do something else. The constant drag of school has been pretty socially isolating to the point where standing around at a death metal festival is relaxing, which can not be a healthy response. Here is what I am considering:

Going to teach English in some remote place in Africa or Asia.
Seeing if there is a reenactment farm somewhere in Scandinavia that could use someone with no clue about farming to do stuff.
Grad school.
Learning a musical instrument.
Taking a really long walk in a Scandinavian country. Or anywhere with a climate where the devil himself wouldn't run screaming from the heat.
Wander around Israel to see what's there.
Something else?

Basically, I am looking for a change that will give me a chance of scenery in some sense of the word for at least two weeks (longer would be better, though) and help clear out my head. Shoot me an email or post here if you have any ideas!

Goregrowler's Ball II

2011-11-25T04:55:00.003+01:00

It's amazing how behaviors take on totally different meanings in different situations. You don't even have to go to visit remote tribes to see examples of this. If you are in a synagogue on a Friday evening, standing up and turning around to face the door while bowing is normal when singing Lecha Dodi. Try it at work and everyone will think you are insane, especially if you are singing in Hebrew at the same time. Scoop up curry using injera with your hands, no one will think you are nuts. Do the same with salad and your table mates will be horrified. This one, in particular, annoys me because there is no way to gracefully eat salad with utensils. It should be finger food. And so on and so forth.

Metal concerts are unique in their own conventions. What looks to be anarchy is as strictly regulated by social convention as what goes on in a church or workplace. For example, it is generally socially unacceptable to hit one person, let alone run counter clockwise in a large group hitting multiple people. At a metal show, it's as normal as a handshake as a greeting or asking for an extra napkin in a restaurant but certain types of hits, allowing the fallen to stay on the ground without helping them up, or not moving to the side to let someone out of the pit when they put their hand on your shoulder to push past you is as rude as farting in church or eating your bosses stapler during a meeting. Similarly, staring at someone's shirt is horribly rude in most situations. At a metal show, it's accepted as long as it is followed by looking away from the person without making eye contact or making eye contact while muttering the words "Cool/Great shirt!" or growling the bands name. In shopping districts or on the street anyplace in the US, Texas, Canada, Germany, or the Netherlands, it is accepted to look at a metal shirt in the presence of otherwise normal people, but this must be followed by looking the other person straight in the eye and nodding once with absolutely no change in body language, speech, or facial expression. Friends of mine with less bad taste in music are highly entertained by this last social convention and wondering why neither party ever stops and says hello. It's probably because fans of certain types of music have the social skills of maple leaves and either are too introverted to want to say hello, are too shy to, or it doesn't occur to them until the next day.

Speaking of facial expression, your facial expression may be interpreted differently at a death metal show. Looking like you are in a daze because strobe lights confuse you may be seen as a slightly friendly look, causing most people to wander away from you and others to ask if you are okay, especially if you muttered "Cool/Great shirt!" at them earlier*. If you've ever met me in person, this exchange in any context will probably amuse you a great deal:

DrinkingTea: [looks over, feeling kind of dumb for sounding spacy when asked if I was okay earlier
BTIM (Bad Taste in Music) Person: Hey, you feeling better?
DrinkingTea: Yeah, sorry I seemed so spacy earlier, it was really sweet of you to check in on me.
BTIM: Yeah, you have such a friendly smile, I wanted to make sure you were okay!
DrinkingTea: ...
BTIM: By the way, my name is Judd.
DrinkingTea: [shakes hand] DrinkingTea. Were you wearing a Dead Horse shirt earlier?
BTIM: Yeah, they're played in [some month I forgot] in Houston. Playing out again soon.
DrinkingTea: WHAT?! Whooohoo!

This was repeated by his friend a few minutes later, only the friend was named Beau, but minus the conversation about Dead Horse. No hitting on vibes, just super friendly. Made my night, it did.

I am now puzzling whether I am just friendlier in the presence of bad music or whether what looks to be my usual "Get the hell away from me" combined with "I am going to stare at your shirt with a dumb grin because that is one hell of a cool shirt" look translates into "I'm a friendly person!" much like a body slam translates into "Whee, ain't this fun!" or hair windmilling translates into "I appreciate your style of music/your coming to see me play this style of music" in such situations. Hmmm... I'll probably quit puzzling about this next time the admin at work comes up with his next round of questions.

*Dead Horse - Satan Kissed My Dog. I first saw this shirt in Cleveland in the early 90s and loved both the band and the shirt. Figuratively. Get your mind out of the gutter. Thank you.

I Hope He's Joking... II

2011-11-24T04:53:00.000+01:00

I think this admin might be better suited to a career as a doorstop.

Admin: What’s a “portability” form? Are some forms to heavy they can’t be moved?
DrinkingTea: No, a portability form is one that allows you to continue coverage in the event that you are stuck in a porta john for longer than 90 days.

Admin: Did anybody in PR notice that one of their forms is called “Request to Elect Cancer”?
DrinkingTea: Yes, it is designed for employees who would rather elect cancer outright than have to worry about whether they will suffer from cancer or a stroke. This takes out the guesswork, allowing for more accurate planning of future needs.

Admin: Why does the page outlining the “Critical Illness Insurance Claim Form” have a picture of a smiling, vibrant young woman next to it?
DrinkingTea: Because she is smiling due to early onset Pick’s disease, much like my grandmother had. If you look closely, she is not speaking.

I Hope He's Joking...

2011-11-23T04:32:00.001+01:00

I received this message from our new admin this morning:

So if they define paraplegia as paralysis of the lower extremes and quadriplegia as paralysis of upper and lower extremities, what do they call it if only your upper extremities are paralyzed?

I am sorely tempted to duct tape his arms to his ribs and tell him to figure it out for himself.

Goregrowler's Ball

2011-11-22T05:45:00.004+01:00

To celebrate the end of horrible business classes, I went to a music festival. It was lovely. There were bands. The crowd likely consisted of 70% band people and 30% not band people, so I can't imagine this happening again in that city (not to mention some rumors online about some issues about the individual putting the thing on, but I have yet to go to a festival where that wasn't the case*), but it was actually a pretty good time and I got to see what Texas had to offer. There were two stages set up, one inside and one outside and they alternated set times allowing one stage to be be cleared and reset while the other one was being played so there wasn't the usual, 'Crap, I want to see this band but this other band that I came to see is playing at the same time' followed by standing there like a dumbass staring off into space during numerous sound checks.

I'm sure you can go online and find better reviews and information about the bands, especially those local to Texas. This here is just the DrinkingTea Metalfan impression of a few select bands:

Havok. They looked like your typical 80s thrash band, right down to the young age and disturbing amount of clean hair. They also sounded like a thrash band. A good thrash band. In about two minutes, I went from thinking, "Awww, ain't they adorable!" to "Daaaaammmmn..." They also mentioned the guy who does karate kicks in the pit and "fuck him!" How can you not love that? If you like thrash, check these guys out.
Morbid Symmetry:

Goatwhore. I've seen them quite a few times and they are great. Before they went on in San Antonio, the singer was offering sniffs of his gauntlets to passers by. What amazed me was that people took the bait. Bleeech! This was the one thing that made me grateful that I was standing outside of the pit area (not wearing the appropriate footwear and wanting to avoid rebreaking my foot). The show was very good but far too short in my opinion. Picture Animal from the Muppets possessed by demons and give him some stinky forearm gear fronting a really good band. The rest of the band look like normal musicians and are also fun to watch. I hate the term "Blackened Death Metal" since it brings to mind charred musicians covered in black pepper, but I'm not sure how else to describe these guys. Call it what you will, they're really good. But if you are into men, you may be a little startled by the singer. And possibly the drummer.
Forever Consumed Oblivion:

Birth A.D. This one is from Texas. I saw them once before a few years ago somewhere and recall I liked them, much to the amusement of my companions. I still like them. Kind of like D.R.I. or something. Pissed off in a fun way to my ears.
Parasites Die:

Hirax. Been together forever. I somehow missed noticing them on the lineup and was thrilled. If you ever get a chance to see them, please dohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif. The vocals don't go quite as high as they used to, but it's not like too many people our age can hear well at those frequencies, anyway.
Demons Evil Forces:

More later...

*Edited to add due to this post showing up in some google searches: Aaron Mendiola (spelling?) put his side of the story on his Facebook page. I'm not sure what the real story is, but I've heard that some of the local death metal people are pitching in to send back the stranded guys from Rottenness. Regardless of what happened with the show and the causes (I know nothing about anyone involved), this pitching in strikes me as a really nice thing to do. I know I'd hate to be stranded in a place that hot!

Handy Translation Guide II

2011-11-21T04:35:00.002+01:00

What they say: I'm not trying to start any trouble, but...
What they mean: I am going to throw everyone under the bus that I can in the next ten minutes.

What they say: I'm not trying to complain, but...
What they mean: I am going to whine about you for the next fifteen minutes unless a Sputnik satellite comes through the ceiling and kills me.

What they say: I am such a moron!
What they mean: I'm actually a pretty nice person who feels like an idiot for making a mistake but I am going to be really nice to you.

What they say: You never told me...
What they mean: I didn't want to hear...

What they say: Why didn't you send me my insurance card?
What they mean: I've moved five times this year, what do you mean the insurance card you sent came back saying 'not at this address'? Is your crystal ball broke? I need it NOW!

What they say: Do you have a minute?
What they mean: You better not need to go to the bathroom/go to lunch/give birth in the next ten years.

What they say: Where is my paycheck?
What they mean: I am a raging dumbass who would rather be paid one week sooner, so I am going to 'forget' every week until you pay me when I want to be paid or you murder me. Whichever comes first.

Pain - Injected Paradise

2011-11-20T05:46:00.002+01:00

Fair warning, not safe for work, children, or those with a terror for naked Scandinavian men:

Seeing the first picture in this video is worth it for the picture at around 3:30. I love this guy's music. It has a lovely dark but not in an "ooohh I'm so dark look at me, I'm eeebil kind of way."

Handy Translation Guide I

2011-11-19T04:56:00.001+01:00

There is a good chance that you've held a job at one time or another in your life. While I am responsible for a variety of crap in my job, the one that is most visible to people is in what is known as human resources. This is also known as the place where people too stupid to do finance go when they don't have the charisma to go into sales. I am seriously considering learning how to play guitar again and touring with the worst punk band I can find (I doubt I could learn to play any form of heavy metal because that stuff is difficult) just so I can work with less irritating people. And, yes, I have gone to punk shows.

HR Person's Words: [anything]
Translation: [plotting your imminent demise]

Testament - The Ballad

2011-11-17T05:10:00.007+01:00

Note: I have finished with my coursework and am doing a Beevis on youtube videos. Why? Because I can. I don't have to write crap about Six Sigma, change management, organizational whosiwhatsit, strip mining, the environmental impacts of inflicting an eurotrophic environment on perch, the invasion of zebra mussels, the birth rate in Indonesia, or California labor law. I hope to write about something either amusing or intelligent at some point in the future, but this is as bright as it's going to get for a while.

The amount of hairspray used in the production of this video is responsible for the hole in the ozone layer over the island of Wangerooge. The music itself is quite lovely. However, the video made absolutely no sense to me when it came out, which was likely due to my rather stupid course load at the time. Now that a few decades have passed and I have finished classes (at least until I apply to graduate school so I can continue on the path of being a complete and utter dumbass), the video still doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense. In this era, it was typical for music videos to feature both a plot and a band playing. These two things do not go well unless we are talking Exodus' Toxic Waltz. In that case the combination makes perfect sense.

However, "The Ballad" has nothing to do with what we all do when we listen to thrash. Or waltzing, for that matter. Or maybe it does and I don't realize it. The video starts by showing a diner scene that keeps cutting to a bunch of hairsprayed dark haired men. Greg Christian, the bass player, is looking pensively into space yet looking approachable. That alone makes no sense, but the few bass players I've come across in life don't seem to make any sense. They just stand there like dumbasses and suddenly blurt out something intelligent and go back to putting electrical tape on their nipples. No idea if that's the case with this guy, but that may explain the Mona Lisa smirk.

The curly haired guitar player (who incidentally has not aged a day since this video was made) looks like he's suffering some major menstrual cramps, but he may just be unaccustomed to spicy food. Or maybe the weight of hairspray is making his neck hurt. Or maybe it's not the camera angle and he's randomly levitating at a odd angles to the ground. That would irritate me, too. The cute guitar player, Eric Peterson, swings his hair around at random like a bastardized Pantene ad. He probably used Pantene, too. Every long haired guy in the late 80s/early 90s used Pantene and then went into mosh pits, causing my face to break out the next day. I didn't hate these men because they were beautiful, I hated them because they made my face itch! The drummer looks like a drummer drumming. That's the only part of the musician clips that makes any sense without the speculation of digestive issues.

The girl sits down and starts talking to Chuck Billy. Personally, I'd be too intimidated to talk to the guy since I come up to his elbow and his facial expression would send me heading for the hills. She gets up and then they cut back to the band playing with what looks to be the results of a hairspray volcano flying around in the background.

And then a bird flies out the doorway and the mid song guitar wankery begins under a shower of hairspray. Because that's what happens when a bird flies out a doorway. Some guy with dark hair wanks in a cloud of hairspray and rage. This is why we use screen doors in Texas.

The rest of the band speeds up for fear of the hairspray cloud suffocating the guitar player. For some inexplicable reason, something about this sequence of events seems to really piss off a guy in the parking lot who starts shaking the girl that was trying to talk to Chuck Billy, who looks even more sad. She drives off and the other guy throws his hat on the ground. While the video doesn't show it, I suspect the bird craps on his head, in his hat, or both. Or maybe it belches hairspray. I have no idea. Within seconds, everyone in the diner is either pissed off or knocking over tables, making the drummer smile and Chuck continue with that sad/mad/blinking face as the bassist makes a funny face. Probably because the drummer farted. And then the fighting bikers go on the pool table and Chuck Billy looks to his right for the umpteenth time and then the video starts really making no sense.

A startled girl with a crystal ball looks up with another woman looking on from behind. I have no idea what they serve in this diner, but I suspect sugar cubes or little bits of paper soaked in some sort of illicit substance may feature prominently on the menu. The other woman turns into another freaking bird! Why? Why does she turn into a bird? And why does the startled girl have a crystal ball? Don't they serve pancakes in this diner? Long haired guys love pancakes! Crystal ball woman massages her ball with both hands, which really seems to excite the guitar player. Why? Who knows? Maybe his balls are made of glass. Or pancakes. I have no idea. Chuck Billy then stands up and pushes a giant biker that he dwarfs out of the way, presumably to run away from the mayhem that will ensue when the bird flies off leaving a swarm of guitarists wanking in its midst as a bunch of people fight over invisible pancakes. Then he shuts the door behind him to keep the hairspray and rage cloud safely inside and drives off on a motorcycle, presumably to find more stable life filled with pancakes.

Yeah, this makes perfect sense because the diner is in black and white. Yep. Sure does. Now, who is going to share the diner coffee with me?

Testament - Over The Wall

2011-11-16T06:30:00.000+01:00

This video makes more sense than the one I am posting tomorrow. "Over the Wall" and it's filmed in a prison. Logical, even if the funny dancing in the cells looks more fun than uncomfortable and the cute guitar player looks disturbing like Ms. DeWitt from Three's Company as his hair grows out. Great song, happy memories of getting soaking wet looking at black and white cows.

Long story.

Moon

2011-11-15T06:35:00.000+01:00

Oh, sister of mine, next time you see this in the sky and you are with your daughter, howl with abandon and tell her I told you to do it. And, like Mom did with me, insist she do it to so she can learn and keep up the family tradition.

Yep, FlyinFox, I dropped the veil a little for this post.

How to Clean Leeks

2011-11-14T01:49:00.002+01:00

When I do it, there is generally more blood and a lot more screaming, but the end results are pretty decent.

Watermelon Recipes : Watermelon & Mint Recipe

2011-11-13T01:40:00.000+01:00

I like all of these things, but not together. This sounds as bad as the time I mad a grape jelly and salami sandwich on a dare once. The combination tasted disturbingly like cigarette ashes.

Kreator - Hordes of Chaos

2011-11-11T08:02:00.002+01:00

Huh? Video makes no sense, but the music isn't bad.

This next video is one of my favorites. The official video is not able to be embedded, but it also makes no sense. Here is a live video of them playing the same:

Pretty Clouds

2011-11-10T07:58:00.000+01:00

I've gotten in the habit lately of taking pictures of whatever strikes my fancy. This was taken in a grocery store parking lot. We don't get too many clouds where I live now, so this needed a picture.

Christian Black Metal

2011-11-09T07:42:00.003+01:00

The whole satanic black metal has never made any sense to me since that's just Christianity in reverse. Seems like quite the waste of time, which may be why I'm more drawn to the non Toaster Oven of Eternal Doom based music in the first place. However, around minute 3:10, he sums up exactly how the religion got so popular in the first place and neatly explains Christian BM's existence.

Immortal - All Shall Fall

2011-11-08T07:35:00.003+01:00

I gotta ask, why are so many videos about playing outside where it looks wet and damp? Aren't these guys afraid of being electrocuted? Or do they feel too dorky to care?

For the record, I like Immortal. They are just so gosh darn cheerful that you can't help but like them! Would that offend them? Probably not:

TURISAS - Stand Up And Fight

2011-11-07T07:27:00.003+01:00

This may be a bit jarring after all the thrash and black metal videos, but I just love these guys. The first time I had heard them, it was watching them live when I noticed the singer was drop dead ohmygoodnessiamgoingtodropdeadrighthereandnow
gorgeous. Then came the next shock - they are really good! It's cheerful, it's uplifting, it makes you want to throw hatchets at things that should not be. And it makes playing the accordion look really cool, which is an amazing accomplishment in itself.

VOID MEDITATION CULT - Rites Of The Ruminant Dead

2011-11-06T06:24:00.003+01:00

Just a picture with some background. Nothing to make fun of, but it's really good. I always feel relieved when I find new things I like since it is a sign that I am not going to be the Lady in Blue Eye Shadow Thinking Zippers on Jeans Ankles is Hawt. This music also blocks outside noise pretty well, even if it may disturb some coworkers.

Anthrax - The Devil You Know

2011-11-04T07:22:00.002+01:00

Hmmm, less fun than the stuff I grew up on. Musically, it is good but it a hair serious for my current mood lately, which is sick and crabby.

Anthrax - Antisocial

2011-11-04T07:00:00.003+01:00

Okay, as I am looking back on this stuff with 20/20 hindsight, I notice something disturbing. When this stuff was coming out, I used to get into some rather intense debates with the Angry Turtle about social, fiscal, and political philosophy. Because, really, what else do you do on the long as drives to go see thrash shows after you eat McNuggets? One of the major themes was how things were being screwed up for the rest of us. The Angry Turtle was more of an Alex P. Keaton type and I was sort of a hippie. A thrash and later death metal loving straight edge hippie, but a hippie all the same.

A few decades pass and now I am working in the corporate world with the sorts of people that this song is about. My views haven't changed, so I am limited to certain rungs on the corporate ladder since there are some things in life that aren't worth winning. The Angry Turtle? He is working in a caring profession after life heaped a huge amount of shit on him that no one deserves, least of all him. The pile of crap heaped upon him over the past few years is of such magnitude that I hope I live a good long time because I don't want the first thing I do when I meet G-d is to smack G-d with a rubber chicken and ask what the hell the deal was between that, my mom, and my sister. I need a few decades to calm down. And the world has been shaped by these same people that various artists - both musicians as well as science fiction writers - warned us about. And that world kind of bites.

I'll probably crap on about that more later as I finish my current coursework. School + full time job + being ill = not a lot of brain cells left.

Anthrax - I'm the Man

2011-11-03T06:56:00.002+01:00

I thought this was funny when I was in high school and I still do. The clothing is even more amusing to me now than it was then. Or was until I noticed that what I am wearing now as I drag myself out of bed looks disturbingly similar. Shannon Tweed I am not.

All Hail Cattle Disease

2011-11-02T06:51:00.000+01:00

I had totally forgotten about how funny their other lyrics are. More youtube links from these over the next few days.

Senior Picture Day

2011-11-01T06:44:00.000+01:00

Picture it, somewhere in not Sicily, some time in some decade we do not want to talk about. I was graduating from secondary school. I had to get a new hair cut for the picture and a perm. I looked like a chipmunk and I was the most hideous chipmunk ever in a red plaid dress. Seriously, who put a red plaid dress on a chipmunk? My mother, that's who. The same mother who fed me and the cats raw meat. My mother was cool. Strange, but cool. Anyway, all these years, I thought I was an ugly teenager because I was just ugly. Then I see the same hair cut a few decades later on a normal looking guitar player (Alex Skolnick, who is in Testament and some other jazz thing) and notice that he, too, looks like a chipmunk. It's the hair. As you can see, the other guitar player (Eric Peterson, who is also in Testament and some Dragon something band that is really good in a fun Velveeta kind of way) looks nothing like a chipmunk, so it is not the camera. On one hand, I feel vindicated. On the other, I really feel bad for this guy as his hair grows out.

Huh Huh

2011-10-31T06:41:00.000+01:00

Here is a guy dressed in a feathered head dress to see Anthrax and Testament. My inner Butthead is thinking, "Huh, huh...cool, he's gonna get his ass kicked!"

No, he didn't get his ass kicked. But, considering what I do for a living, small wonder that was the first thing that came to my mind.

Where Did You Come From XXXVI

2011-10-30T04:14:00.000+01:00

Hamilton, Ontario arrived from google.ca on "Drinking Tea: The Pierogi Pocket" by searching for perogi tea.
13:07:18 -- 1 day 8 hours ago

Perogi tea?! First, you quit whatever drugs you are on. Still want piroghi tea?

Okay, here's what you do. First, you go to a place where they drink butter tea. Or you go online and find a recipe for butter tea, bod ja, or whatever. Make tea. Eat with a piroghi. I have no idea why you'd want to do this, but it may not be that bad on a cold day.

Merry Christmas or Else

2011-10-28T04:34:00.002+01:00

Soon, we will be dealing with the annual Christmas whining of the religious folk. Every year, this baffles me anew. Here's usually the chain of events - someone gets offended when someone else says "Happy Holidays" or "Bonus Nachos" or something other than "Merry Christmas" sometime soon after Thanksgiving. Then they go on Facebook and start groups like "It's Merry Christmas, Damn It." Then they "Merry Christmasing" in that challenging way to people who have no business Merry Christmasing anyone. Like me. A Jew in an Psycroptic shirt has no business saying "Merry Christmas" to anyone, ever.

The part that baffles me is that I don't get the point of why a non-Christian should be expected to say "Merry Christmas" in the first place. I may volunteer to do so since it's a nice break from the standard greetings, but I don't understand the fuss if I don't. Do I get bent out of shape if someone doesn't gargle in Hebrew at me around the Jewish new year? Of course not. Do I get irritated if someone offers me pizza during Pesach? Not unless they suggest I just become Catholic so I can eat the pizza. If you do that, all bets are off.

Where was I. Christmas. It would seem far more logical to me if people would get offended about other Christians not celebrating properly. For example, the retail orgy and annual Walmart Stampede that customarily takes place right before and during Advent would seem ripe for people taking offense. Hell, I find it offensive and it's not even my religion.

If you happen to be a member of that faith, care to explain the disconnect there?

Clothing

2011-10-27T03:44:00.001+01:00

I had to go to the store and buy clothing as befits my station as a person who may be looking for work in a more northerly climate. Unfortunately, I have no fashion sense. I am also of a generation that remembers life before the internet and am on the tail end of the group who existed on usenet before Eternal September. I recognize it will take ongoing effort not to become the person in the blue eye shadow, so I call up a friend of mine and off to the thrift store we go.

And are there for two hours. Trying on shirts, skirts, pants, matching this with that. Holy heck, was this a nightmare. A necessary nightmare, to be sure, but a nightmare all the same. I find it hard to believe that people do this for fun. Can someone please explain to me why?

Cats & Christ

2011-10-26T04:12:00.000+01:00

This link is probably satire, but the evil side of me is sorely tempted to post it on Facebook to see if someone takes the bait. Yep, that's five cats there. Five. Not four. Five. Yeah.

Dear Facebook Friend

2011-10-25T05:18:00.002+01:00

For the record, I'd never post this as a status or a comment on someone's FaceBook post since doing such is like nailing Jello to a tree.

For the love of Pete, why the hell do you care about gay marriage? You aren't gay. You don't know any gays that you are aware of. Your religion prohibits it. So what dog do you have in that fight? Is it the senile Border Collie that keeps peeing on the rug, by chance? Oh, wait, your dog died when you were eight years old. So what's your deal? Are you afraid of one or more of the following:

Your spouse will leave you at the drop of a hat if he were legally allowed to marry his fishing buddy and is only holding out because premarital sex is wrong?
That you will be tempted to boink your best friend?
Your marriage will be invalidated and you will be assigned a woman with a mullet named Frankie?

Oh, that's right, gay marriage will make a mockery of marriage. Puh-leeze. This is mistaken on two counts. First, plenty of straights make it a mockery without the help of a single gay person. Second, if you are focusing on the immorality or sanctioning others to do what you disagree with, gay marriage is a really stupid thing to focus on. Murder? Worshiping money and status? I get that we are all called to do our part in the world and if we all wait until everything in one area of life is cleaned up, there won't be time to get to the rest of it. I get that. But gay marriage hurts no one except for the spouses left them for a same sex partner. Oh, wait, straight people leave their spouses all the time, too. So, what is the danger in gay marriage again? In your world, is everyone celibate until they get married and a marriage license is a license to boink and therefore sin? Good gravy is this a ridiculous thing to fuss about. Why don't you protest by divorcing your husband, remarrying in a church, and keeping the state out of it? Sheesh.

Life is Complicated

2011-10-24T03:36:00.000+01:00

Because heaven knows that if it comes as it is off the shelf, it isn't good enough for anyone. We all have to have it personalized for us to make it MyDrink, never mind the fact that the options are virtually identical from a chemical standpoint.

Dizzy

2011-10-23T03:35:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time, I made my kitchen look like this with cow pattern accessories. Drunken or tripping visitors were escorted to the kitchen where I spent many minutes of amusement watching them try to crab crawl their way out. Good times.

Evil Little Leprechan

2011-10-21T03:32:00.000+01:00

He looks like he's digging into a big bowl of brains and souls, doesn't he?

Stoned or Really Mad?

2011-10-20T00:26:00.001+01:00

This is the image I see every day when I walk into the building. I can't tell what exactly the face of the woman is conveying, but I suspect she is wishing that the tortilla she is flattening in preparation for cooking were someone's head. What do you think?

The Angel of Death Hates Thrash Metal

2011-10-19T05:04:00.004+01:00

Apparently, there is something in thrash metal that causes one significant side effect in its musicians and fans - they generally don't age. Arresting the aging process can be achieved in one of two ways. The first way is pretty obvious. Drop dead, get embalmed, and quit aging. Musicians tend to drop dead in their 20s with greater frequency than your average accountant in that same age band. So do metal fans, for that matter. However, if you live to hit 35, you stand a good chance of continuing to be 35 until you finally croak at whatever age you decide to go. If you do croak, it's going to be from something weird, like a rare form of cancer or drinking a can of beer three days after you take an aspirin and causing your liver to beat a hasty retreat out of your left nostril.

The second way is a bit of a mystery. We are on our, what, second thrash resurgence? Next time you get a chance, go to a thrash show. You are going to see a bunch of ugly people, most of them younger. Upon closer examination, you are will notice a bunch of people that are dressed in a slightly more contemporary manner than the youngest there (ignoring those who haven't hit puberty yet that have been dragged there by their parents or grandparents). The difference in garb is due to the fact that the original Reeboks were worn out during the Reagan/Bush the First administrations. This black boot wearing group will appear to be 7 - 10 years older than the others. However, what appears to be the 25 year old in a 1989 Kreator shirt is actually 37 and probably either went to that show or missed it because she had to work that day. The 30 year old looking guy with the patches all over is closer to 45. Why? Obviously the Angel of Death and his sister, the Witch of Wrinkles, hates thrash metal as much as I hate business classes.

Death Angel - I'm Bored

Talking to You Is Like Clapping With One Hand II

2011-10-18T04:50:00.002+01:00

Yes, this is the second time I've felt the need to post this line.

I fully admit that I am slightly burned out at my job. It had improved dramatically for a while, but then it got worse. It's still probably what would be considered within the bounds of normal to any other human being, but it's one of those situations where...you know when you break a bone in your foot and it heals, but if you put on the same style of shoes that you were wearing when you broke your foot, you are suddenly in pain for no logical reason? The foot is healed, there is no pain any more, but that style of shoe is forever going to cause you agony just looking at it. It's one of those situations. And I just found out that the King of the Idiot Convention is returning shortly. Alas...

Toxic Waltz

2011-10-17T05:33:00.002+01:00

Ahh, happy music. I remember going to shows and going into mosh pits. Years ago, when I would show up at work or school the next day with bruises from moshing. Or a few months ago. Whatever. Age hasn't really increased my intelligence.

Below is a video from Exodus. As you can see, it was not filmed while actually on tour and it was filmed at a time when frizzy hair was in! I wish that style would come back, it would save me a lot of trouble...

Jelly Shoes

2011-10-16T00:27:00.001+01:00

Remember these and the pools of sweat that turned your shoes into a slip and slide for your feet?

Black Paint & Lemon Pledge

2011-10-14T00:25:00.001+01:00

I came home to this sign in nine different locations and the scent of lemon pledge. And the black paint did look wet.

Fun

2011-10-13T02:11:00.000+01:00

I have yet to figure out how the term 'fun size' came into being. How is making something smaller making it more 'fun.' Easy to carry, fitting under your computer monitor, less likely to melt and leave a mess in your pocket, bite size so you don't have to take that ever inconvenient second bite, taking up less spice, or less likely to be confused for a giant dog turd, I can get behind. But fun? How is an object fun? Activities are fun. Not miniature candy bars! Dangit.

The Accused - Splatterbeast - Tapping The Vein - Live @ The Morgue - Seattle, Wa - June 4. 2010

2011-10-12T06:16:00.001+01:00

I used to love these guys when I was in high school. Glad to see they are still around!

Headache and Derp Cat

2011-10-11T00:24:00.000+01:00

In my house, a headache means you will become overcome with a severe case of concerned cats, one of which does say "Derp" instead of the more traditional "Meow."

Worst Band Name Ever

2011-10-10T05:56:00.002+01:00

And quite possibly the worst band ever that still manages to sound like all band members are playing the same song.

Destructive Explosion Of Anal Garland - One Inch Dick

Want Snow!

2011-10-09T21:14:00.001+01:00

ARKONA - Liki Bessmertnykh Bogov